He checks email at 11am and does not respond. 2pm I get a phone call. I didn't answer because I did not have the kids with me and our visitation arrangements are to be made via OurFamilyWizard. He leaves a message stating he wanted to see the kids and he was going to get a shower then try calling back. 3pm no calls 4pm no calls 5pm no calls 6: 17pm he finally calls. I tell him kids are ready we can meet you for a visit. Him.I don't have any money. My van is broken and the joker that hit it is giving problems (he is scamming the insurance company but that's a different story). How about we meet tomorrow. Me. Ok! When and where. Sunday visit was fine. It was a little longer 5 hours or so. That's a lot longer than his usual 45 minutes. Monday I hear nothing until 10: 16pm. (See text) so he didn't see or communicate with the kids at all that day. Tuesday we meet at a park. He looses sight of one of our daughters and asks. Where is "A"? I point her out without missing a beat. Not even a half hour later I see him rallying the girls to help him find "J". They all are scouring the park. My girls are getting concerned and run up to me. I ask them if Daddy found "J"? They say "No". So I stood up and yell His name. He pops up out of a jet plane climbing structure. Play time lasted about 3 hours that day. After 2 hours the Ex said, "I know the cousins are arriving today so if you need to go it's not a problem. He was finished with the visit but does not know how to round em up and haul em out. I let him sweat it out an extra hour. When we finally did pack it up. He stood at the van saying multiple goodbyes. And told them he would call Wednesday. No call Wednesday. Thursday. Thanksgiving. He call and talks to kids. Tells them he will call again tomorrow. No call Friday. Saturday I get a message asking if we have left yet. I respond that we are not in SoCal. His response was so unnecessary. Yet I feel I should respond somehow. He had 4 days to see the kids without limits. But he only managed to be available 2 of those days for a limited time. Was I supposed to sit around and wait for him to decide when it was convenient for him? Ugg! He pisses me off so much! If anyone has a suggestion of how to diplomaticly respond to the idiot please enlighten me.
Just ignore it. He's baiting you. IMO, if its not about an upcoming visit or money for the kids ignore it and live your life. My ex is exactly the same way... everything is my fault, I'm being malicious and nasty, blah blah blah.
I had a feeling I should ignore. Thanks for the affirmation.
Agree! So sorry you and your kids have had to go thru this. Keep all your documentation!
Ignore it. That is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to learn how to do. But- it doesn’t let him antagonize you and it makes him look like an ass if he continues to berate you. As long as you can show he had the schedule, should it ever come up- you’ve got all you need. And you’ve got the details written down for yourself.
Thanks. Very hard for me too. I feel I need to justify or explain my side. But we are both adults. So he could have called (sooner) and we could have arranged something if he really wanted too. My guess is he didn't want to. But wanted me to be to blamed. Coparenting is hard. And when we are not great communicators with one another it is double difficult.
ingeborg for sure!! I totally get that- it’s the same thing my ex pulls with me. We’ve been divorced for four years now- he has never once picked them up on a Thursday like he’s supposed to- and blames me for trying to keep the kids for him if I’m not home at a moments notice for them whenever he finally decides to get them over the weekend. It’s insane.
johanne yes!!! It is so sad!!! Are we supposed to sit around twiddling our thumbs until he decides it convenient??? Just ridiculous!!!
ingeborg it’s exactly what he wants- control!! I stopped giving it to him and started owning my own time and it has made me much happier and way less reactive to his BS. The way I look at it- he’s over 24 hours late (at least) by the time he arrives to get them. Usually I’m home, but I no longer stop my life to work around his. He has pulled up To my house to get them- saw that they were not outside waiting for him- and driven away as they were running through the front lawn trying to chase his car. He’s that kind of special. We no longer put up with that.
I wouldn’t respond. As long as you were in town and available during the times that the order states then your more than good.
Oh and what part of OC are your from or where were you visiting? I grew up there
North Tustin opal. Where are you from???
ingeborg ......I’m from Lake Forest. My sister and her husband live in Orange
He does this so he can blame you. Emotionally he needs to blame someone else for his not being capable of doing more. This is just to assuage his own guilt. If you respond it let's him do it. Let him stew in his own juices and ignore it. Mine used to work at starting fights by pushing my buttons until I would snap back. Then he could storm off and it would be my fault visit ended
That depends. Did you leave earlier than he thought you would, or did you go to the cousins he apparently knew you were going to see?
I told him, "we were extremely flexible Saturday through Tuesday. But Tuesday evening the cousins were arriving and the children are looking forward to spending time with them as well." I have no other offers of visit times except those 4 days. And if he wanted he could have gotten a hotel and had the kids for almost 24hrs continuously. For those days I offered.
Keep all tge details you wrote here in case you need them (dates, times, said he'd call & didn't, etc) and then don't respond.
No response is the best response. Don’t go out of your way or wait for him. He’s a grown man.
Like everyone, I'd just ignore it-that's pretty much what I did when my ex tried to goad me, in the beginning. However, to honest, if it were me-in the future I would just send him a quick message letting him know in advance (as in a couple of days or the day before), when we would be leaving, so as to give him a "last chance" to meet up, of sorts, this way he wouldn't be able to come at you with that "couldn't you have let me know" bs, trying to make you look like the bad/insensitive guy. It's a courtesy I offer to my ex, mostly because I can say I went above and beyond and was even courteous, though I didn't have to, as to let him know whenever anything to do with the kids, came up. If he didn't show up or come through, that was on him-but whenever something came back about it (and it did) I had proof to protect my rear and couldn't be accused of being "xyz".
We use a program called Our Family Wizard. This trip has been on the calendar...that he has access to...since September. He was able to find the calendar and spoil a surprise I had for the kids. I had blocked out 1/2 a days time so he knew we were not available. I made the mistake of writing what it was I had planned. He asked the kids in a phone conversation and spoiled the surprise. I have learned not to give to much away about my time spent with kids. That's for sure!!! Ugg!!!
ingeborg, yeah we’re pretty much at e-mail status, though we are amicable (long story), which is fine with me. I’ve just learned to limit my communication with him to “specifics” (specific details, specific dates and times, requests and updates) to do with the kids and just keep him updated as a courtesy. Mostly I do this because I have teenagers and it’s a measure of protecting myself (and begrudgingly being the bigger person) when they start asking “if Dad knew” and why I didn’t I tell him, etc. Teenagers are hard enough as it is (without having divorced parents) but me not ‘courtesy’ telling him leaves me open to being the “bad guy” because “we have to set aside our differences for them” (even if it’s just me being held accountable). My daughter has told me she holds me to a higher standard than her dad, and honestly, I know a lot of it is because they hurt from the whole thing. I am the custodial parent and have sole legal custody of the kids, so I bear a lot of the brunt of all the yucky negative emotions they have about everything (regular and divorce stuff). So, that’s why I do it. It’s just a “I want to know you know and we have record that I did the “bigger person thing” thing because I have enough on my plate with teenagers without adding fuel to that fire.
Xie my Ex doesn't seem to care about the kids except at odd times. It is in our parenting plan that I inform him of emergency treatment. Youngest kiddo fell put her teeth completely through her lip and required stitches. He wanted to "one up her" saying, "oh you think that is bad I hit my head and needed 50 stitches." If it was to make her feel better I could understand. He just wants the attention to be on him. Crazy!!! And BTW his 50 stitches were a lie!!! Just like every other word that he sputters.