I’ve been told by several lawyers that b/c he looks great on paper, it’ll be a long and expensive battle to fight for more than 50% custody and most likely I’ll still end up with 50%. It’s impossible for me to give them over to him every time, knowing how he really is. The boy’s therapist said that most likely my x is abusive in relationships and not as a parent, and that she knows what to look for with my boys and will keep an eye out for any indications that he’s doing this to them. I’m struggling with this though. Should I try to fight? Wait it out? My kids are 7 & 8 btw. Any advice would really be appreciated!
I have an entirely different situation. Ex is a drug user and I monitor all visits. But I have no recent proof of his drug use and constantly worry he will get clean long enough to fight for custody. I know my Ex is incapable of taking care of and keeping our 3 kids safe!!! But if he got custody he would not have to pay as much child support (not that he is current now) and he could claim the social security benefits our kids will be entitled to in 3 years when he reaches retirement age. I wish I could offer you some enlightenment but it all SUCK!!!
It does suck, doesn’t it? I’ve been told that as a parent, you’d have to do SO much to lose custody of your kids. My lawyer told stories of moms fighting drug dealers, abusers, etc for custody and losing. It’s sad. If this were 30 years ago, our babies would be with us, no questions asked. It begs the question - is the “system” really helping our kids? Is 50/50 custody really what’s best every time? Literally, for all of history, moms took care of their babies. Why now do we assume that’s not ok anymore? (And don’t get me wrong, not all moms are best for their kids - I know every situation is different).
If he's a good father than why shouldn't he have 50 percent? What entitles us as woman to have more time? Now mine is passive aggressive and was emotionally neglectful to me and really abusive because passive aggressiveness is still aggressive it's just quiet. Anyways I'm not Perfect and we both are responsible parents so I had to put my ego down and realize that he has as much right to parent our children as I do. It's really going well and I love my own time. It makes me a better parent. I would give him his time. You just might find that you enjoy your own time. I gave him what he asked for but got more money in child support because he didn't want to fight it out in court. So I get paid every week, 60/40 on my house when we sell it (60 to Me) and every other week to myself. I love it!
Did one of you move out yet? Mine left October 1st and just having my own space has made things 100 percent better. It was so much tension when he was still living downstairs. Now my own space and a full week to myself.
We both moved out in May. And I don't mean to imply that I deserve custody just because I'm their mother. I think the system tries so hard to make it "even" that they're losing sight of what's really best for the kids. My ex has borderline personality disorder and has never put our boys first. His main concern for 10 years has been control over me - the reason I finally called it quits is because I found a recording device in my pillowcase, a spy pen in my car and spyware on my computer. He cannot leave the boys out of our issues and mistreats me regularly in front of them. In your opinion, is that a good father? Unfortunately when I called the police to my house because I was terrified of him, they said they weren't the language police, handed me a pamphlet to the House of Ruth and said to call back if it got physical. The justice system doesn't view this as punishable abuse and therefore I can't do anything about it, so I hand my babies over to him when I'm supposed to, and hope that I'm doing enough good to offset any bad he may be inflicting. And please understand that those examples are absolutely the tip of the iceberg. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, an anxiety disorder and now my hair falls out in clumps due to the years of abuse at his hands. So I ask again, do you think he's a good father? Because he's been at the same job for 18 years, he goes to their football games and since the separation has started attending Dr appts and school meetings? Could you enjoy your alone time knowing your kids were with someone who tortured you for a decade? Sorry for the rant but obviously this strikes the deepest of nerves in me...
Then you have answered your own question. Fight.
He might be a horrible partner but that doesn't mean he is a bad dad. Unless he hurts your kids I would leave it alone.
That's what I've been told, but my question is, if someone made your life a living hell for a decade, could you hand over your kids half the time with the hopes that he won't turn his attention on them now that you're gone?
My ex made my life a living hell for 12 years but he loves our daughters, my daughters love him and he is a pretty decent father to them. Despite me not being originally from the US and having my whole family and close friends in my home country, it never crossed my mind to try to leave simply because I did not want to take their father away from my children. He might have been a horrible and abusive husband but as long as he is good to my kids I'm good.
If someone is a horrible spouse they are modeling bad behavior to their kids. How can they be a great parent when teaching them it's ok to be treat another human being like shit. I don't have answers and am struggling to w 5he idea of 50/50.
I had a similar ex, he did not get 50/50 because I painted a *crystal clear* picture for that judge as to exactly who he is via reams & reams of emails, texts, IMs he'd sent me over the years that I'd kept where he'd been verbally/emotionally abusive to me or had said derogatory things about the children. If you have ANY evidence of his abuse, hand copies over to your attorney & be ready to use them. Usually the other attorney will see that shit & advise his client to back off because they know they'll lose if the judge sees that evidence. Good luck.
Really? What is your custody schedule now? And how long was litigation, if you don't mind me asking...
He gets the kids every other weekend Fri after school till he returns them to school Monday & Tuesday after school till 6. Some breaks we split, some we have the whole break every other year. He gets 2 non-consecutive weeks in summer. Left in Jan, divorce was final the next October. He was super uncooperative & went through several attorneys. Mediation helped some. He ended up not cooperating with the sale of the house to the point that it was being foreclosed. That all his spending behind my back attorney fees forced us both into bankruptcy also. You have to figure out 3 "mountains you're willing to die on" and refuse to budge on those - everything else is negotiable. Mine were primary physical custody of the kids, final say in all 4 areas, keep all my retirement accounts intact. You will not get everything you think you deserve, so pick your big 3 and be willing to let other stuff go. But as far as custody- evidence of his bad behavior goes a long way. I left in the middle of the night with 2 kids in Jan in bare feet because I was so afraid of him & drove straight to a police station to file a police report, so it wasn't hard to then get a temporary restraining order for myself & the kids. That didn't help him either.
And the paperwork also says if he has them late to school more than 2x in a 9 week period, he loses his Sunday overnights for the next 9 weeks.
It seems to depend on the court and how the battle goes. Here, in CT, in the court I went to, they are pro mom and from what I have seen unless dad has a crazy awesome lawyer or the mom is in agreement, mom usually gets physical custody and dad gets visitation. Unless he can prove mom unfit. Luckily, I didn't have a battle in this case. I actually pushed for him to have our son more, for the best interest of our son. But, he chose his stupid GF over our son and lives with her, in her grandmother's house, so "grandma" calls all the shots. One of which being he can't keep our son overnight. If you actually want to move on with your life, and have a life (outside of being a mom), 50/50 isn't that bad. I didn't think I could handle my son being out of my care even for regular visitation, but now I resent the fact that he gets to do whatever the Hell he wants, when he wants, and I have to make all these arrangements just for a simple date. But that's just me.
Denae- There is no crystal ball, so if you don't think you can trust him with the kids, fight like Hell for primary. Let's face it- he's probably fine when they're young & agreeable. When they're difficult or they're teens with their own lives & agendas, probably not so much.
Lupo, thank you! You're so right on and said exactly what I needed to hear. I honestly can't thank you enough... I have some serious soul searching to do, then I'll create my "mountains" and start this fight.
And you're right - now that this is new and the boys are young, he's acting like father of the year. Once he finds someone new or the boys get older and more defiant, I have no doubt the old "dad" habits will come right back and I'll be the primary parent again. Honestly, the messed up thing about this whole situation is that I truly would be happy that he wants 50/50 custody if I felt in my heart that it was for the right reasons, which are my boys!